The Strangest of Calms

Welcome to my day by day journal of anxiety.

Having been diagnosed with severe general anxiety and major depressive disorder as a teen, I am just now becoming stronger and pursuing the best adult life that I can possibly conjure. As a writer, my means of coping and surviving revolve around my work, which I am fortunate enough to love. The sporadic nature of my thoughts is best presented in written form, and as I already have the site up, I figured I may as well give a glimpse into what my every day life is like with anxiety constantly knawing at the soles of my shoes. Catch up every day on the drama, emptiness, love, successes and failures, wins and losses, and everything inbetween as I share a piece of me with all of you.

If we do not talk about it, it remains stigmatized. MENTAL HEALTH SHOULD BE A PRIORITY, NOT AN AFTERTHOUGHT. If I did not create this segment of my website, I’d feel riddled with guilt upon realizing what I could have done to break the stigma, to help so many others.

So here’s hoping this helps you understand yourself or a loved one more, and thank you for reading.

Today, I am strangely calm. 

I actually can’t remember the last time the negative side of my mental state completely resided, allowing the happy, positive thoughts to take hold. But now it’s happening, and I almost don’t know how to react. One would think I’d be jumping for joy, pursuing my goals, and getting organized for the first time in a long time. Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not. I cleaned up my space, ate appropriately, fulfilled my quota for my website, read, showered, brushed my teeth, and now I’m sitting here watching Friday Night Smackdown. But as I take in the DDT’s, top rope dives and Bank’s Statements, I still feel oddly unfulfilled.

All I’ve really wanted for the past few months is to feel this sort of organization and calm, to understand and put into full effect the epiphanies of the past year and truly understand who I am as a person, and I finally have it for this singular moment in time. I’m not really sure when it’ll happen again. I’m also not sitting here hoping it will happen again, simply because this feeling is 100%, absolutely foreign and I honestly just don’t know if I like it.

Of course, it’s really nice to have the peace of mind but my mind is almost too empty; suspiciously so. I woke up and there was nothing, not a worry or celebratory thought inside. I feel like this is how people with properly functioning brains wake up every morning, so clear and worriless. 

Don’t get me wrong- I’m very happy today. As in it’s been a sort of radiation of energy and focus and vibes. I’m in a state of wondering how I could be so happy and feel so empty at the same time. It’s like everything I want is in my grasp finally, and I feel so selfish for seemingly wanting more. It makes me wonder if I deserve more or if I’m begging and choosing. I’ve never been particularly ungrateful, but right now I can’t really help but to think of other things that I still long for. Maybe it’s hunger and pursuance, or maybe it’s greediness. Right now, I don’t know. 

So, I guess, here’s hoping maybe I will feel like this tomorrow? Maybe? Maybe this is just something that takes a while to get used to? Having, for once, no issues on standby or in my subconscious putting weight on my back and shoulders. I haven’t led a particularly problem-free lifestyle and I’m still adjusting to my dreams suddenly exploding into reality. 

Otherwise, for the past few weeks anxiety has been my standby friend. It’s like one second I’ll be tremendously distracted (by good things), and the next I’ll be sitting, staring into space, not specifically thinking of anything as my anxiety courses through my body, giving me shivers every now and then. It’s not exactly the worst feeling, but it’s no cozy bonfire either. My hands still do the occasional humming, and as I watch them shake lately, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it just might never stop. Like, maybe it’s just a trait of mine now. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to me, that’s for sure. 

On a positive note, the file cabinet that is my brain is finally organized into respective containers. I know who I am, what I want and need, and how to get there. I can separate personal from business, and for once I don’t dread the business side of things. I’ve taken a small liking to astrology and every day horoscopes, and I’ve found that just the idea helps me stay on top of things, but also to take things day by day, just like the horoscope readings do. I can only live one day at a time, I am only one person, and at the end of each and every day I make sure that I am good. I’ve finally reached an agreement with myself that it’s okay to be selfish in the right settings. I’ve learned that ‘no’ is the magic word and how to really protect and enforce my own boundaries. I’ve been without therapy for a while now due to a financial stint, but for once the break has done me no harm. I’ll only have good to report upon returning. 

Speaking of doctors… this medicine, oh this medicine. I was diagnosed with acute general anxiety and major depressive disorder when I was seventeen, so medication is nothing new to me per se. But as I’m going about changing my lifestyle, my diet, my routines and views, I’m realizing that the medication has become almost a burden. I’ll be following my schedule, taking things one step at a time but there will be days where I’ll miss a step. I’ll accidentally skip over my medicine, leave the house, and be too far to return once I’ve realized. And oh my goodness I’ve never felt more panicked than I do in those moments, just thinking about what may go down all because I didn’t take three little pills. The thought is so nerve wracking that it shakes me to my utter core. The days that follow the forgetfulness are completely filled with the anxiety of not knowing, even though I can ration that I’ll probably be ok. It’s just that not knowing… 

Here’s to everyone that has the same issues, the same setbacks, the same fears and disorders. I know how it feels but every hurdle is conquerable no matter how large- I don’t expect to be so empty for long. But hey, when in doubt, write it out.  

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